Ego Love

He told me my eyes reminded him of a chocolate fountain and that all he had wanted to do was drown in them. He loved everything about me. A reminder in the daily compliments that I needed to survive, the perfect complement. As always, I took the smallest decision and analyzed it through lenses consisting of analysis, emotion and courage. Is this the man that I am choosing for this moment?

I loved him for his ambition and the way he pictured our futures and planned every detail, down to the guest list of our wedding. The only thing that made me hesitate was that I could not find the reason that he loved me. The book of my life consists of chapters I’ve lost count of and a language that is often more misunderstood than it is understood. Are you intrigued by my mystery or do you connect with me on a soul level where words are meaningless and your love is genuine?

A slight eye roll as he tells me how much he wants to be with me forever for the 4th time today. “Roll your eyes at me one more time.” The aggression that has a time and a place and never seems out of place. A love that is soft yet hardened by the choices we made that caused the slightest cracks in the hearts of romantics that choose love for survival. How do you always have the perfect timing?

“I love you”…Silence. “Did you hear me?” “No, did you say something?” “I said I love you” Too soon. Why did you have to do that? You didn’t give me enough time to fantasize about our lives together. I haven’t imagined where we’ll live or travel or get married or have kids or…. Why? Now I have to get rid of him before I hurt his feelings for real. I will not break another man.

Block? Delete?

In the past it was never a question. One small flaw and I had already moved on before anyone could talk me out of it. This man might be different. I miss him already. Is my intuition telling me to leave him alone or is it my ego’s addiction to self sabotage? My ego is many things with a particularly strong hate for vulnerability and a perturbation for abandonment.

A reminder to myself to go with the flow and leave fear at the door. To not self sabotage and understand that it is better to have patience than to make an irrational decision based on questions construed from ego.