The F Word

Scrolling through instagram as crumbs fall in your lap that you don’t care to dust off. Your hand skims the bottom of the bowl as you throw the fleece blanket to the side so that you can speed walk to the kitchen and pick up the bag. Unravelling the bag and stuffing a handful in your mouth you’re reminded of the half eaten chip dip from the last time you binged. You return to your nest of blankets and endless pillows, bag of chips and container of dip in hand. Netflix asks you if you’re still watching.

I know it’s just a laptop but that question feels like a stab to the successful person I thought I’d’ be by now and the reality I’ve become. Resume.

But this isn’t an every day thing. I mean, I can quit this lifestyle any time I want. I can trade my slippers in for some Nikes, my robe for yoga pants and my Netflix membership for a gym membership. Someday though, not today, I’m clearly busy today. Doing what? I’m dealing with my emotions with food and distractions, it’s called self care.

And then one day, I make the decision to put my gym membership to use after binging on a large fries from McDonald’s. ‘This is the right thing to do’ I say to myself as I drag my feet towards the gym entrance. 20 minutes. Thats it and then I can go home. I walk through the locker room and pass by the scale, I squint at it and take a second to ask myself if I really want to know. Couldn’t hurt right? 198.3. Oh I still have my shoes on, duh. 198.2. Shit I say out loud as I stare into the mirror pinching the fat that had accumulated into a muffin top over the past 5 years.

Do you like not own a mirror or something? How do you just gain 40 pounds in a year and not even notice? Voice of reason. The devil on my shoulder somehow disguises itself as an angel…again. You’re right. I am so fat. I’m not leaving this gym until I remember who I am. I won’t be fat anymore. This is disgusting.

Why is it that you speak to yourself this way? You would never tell your best friend these things, would you? Don’t be so hard on yourself. Do it for the right reasons. Do it because you want to make it a part of your self care routine. Don’t make it about appearance or automatically resort to the f word. Get through one workout and see how good it feels. Do it because it makes you feel like you’re in control of your own life and destiny. Do it because you love you. You do. Don’t you?